jazzme's Blog

It’s been a rough first quarter of the year… Emotionally, spiritually, mentally…even physically.. I’ve been struggling with a lot of things and it’s getting harder and harder choosing the right decisions… My heart is always in the right place I know that…I believe that…but there are days that it’s getting too much to handle and me being human..sometimes I can’t help but falter..

I think I am going to break anytime soon…but im trying so hard to pull myself together..because I know I am not this person…I am not a quitter, I never quit before…I never let the terrible things that happen to me before destroy me and get the best out of me…so why would I let it get to me now?...

I love my family…then and now..they are always been the reason…of keeping myself sane… I wanna take care of them…I wanna be able to provide them all the things that they need.. If I can give them every little piece of me I would… but sometimes… I can help but get really hurt..when the things I do for them are not being appreciated… it hurts so bad because if they only knew how much I love them…if they only knew the things that had happen to me…the things that I kept to myself…the things that’s been giving me nightmare every night that makes me don’t wanna go to sleep anymore…if they only knew…how I handled all that by myself in order to protect them…

The things that made me who I am right now…I’m weak and I’m scared as hell… I’m a person… I’m not a superhero… I can’t give solutions to everything… sometimes..I wanna be held too…to tell me that everything is going to be alright…sometimes I need a tap in the back to remind me that I don’t have to face it alone…

The people who became part of my life…those who chose to stay…and those who chose to leave… they have never seen me weak…always and consistent..I have been the one that takes care of people.. no one takes care of me…but that’s okay..because I love taking care of people… I love the fact that I’m the kind of person who never gives up on people no matter what…I’m the kind of person you can call at 2am in the morning to ask if I can pick you up somewhere in the middle of the desert…and believe me I would… that’s the kind of person I turned to be in spite of everything…

And at this very moment I am proud to say that I’m in love with someone I hold dear to my heart… I know that I’ve been giving her a hard time quite a lot….and she’s gonna need a lot of patience to handle someone like me… .I feel bless that I met someone like her in a place where I never thought I could meet real people.. I guess love really works in a mysterious ways…

I’m thankful to her for bearing with me…for believing in me… for taking care of me… I know that we have a fair share of misunderstandings, and we’ve been through our ups and downs…and I’m thankful that she keeps on fighting even though it’s easiest not to…I can help but get scared sometimes that I might lose her….. it’s a terrible thought to think about… but I’m hoping and praying that she will choose to stay with me whatever happens…  I hope she knows how much I love her…because she’s one of the only few things that makes my life beautiful and worthliving…

And I am thankful to GOD…for every little and big blessings that HE’s been giving me… I know that I have a lot of shortcomings as a Christian…but in spite of everything…HE never fails to make me feel HIS presence…HE answers my prayer whenever I’m needing it the most… I am very grateful for the life that HE let me borrowed… I hope to live it to the fullest and manage to be the  best person I always wanted to be…

I just thought I should share... 

It goes something like this....

Someday, I will fall in love with someone, and it won’t be like the others I’ve fallen in love with. This someone will know, not think, that I am enough. They will say it, and they will be proud to say it. No fear will be a factor. No time will be wasted. No games will be played, no decisions to be made. It will just be. And it will be perfect. It will be real, it will be pure, it will be true, it will be unstopable, it will be perfect. And all of that will be known by both parties. Known, appreciated, and lived. There will be no waiting. There will be no guessing. There will be no “fighting for love” because It will be too easy. I will hold her hand when I want to, and she will hold mine back. I won’t have to worry about showing my love, or telling of my love in fear of her fears, because like I said, no fear will be a factor. I will not be confused, and our love will not change. She will adore me in every way. She will adore the fact that I adore her in every way. I will be proud every time she laughs, cries, shares, plays, loves - that she is mine and there will be no worry of losing her at the drop of a hat. She will take pride in knowing that. She will be proud of me, and I her. It will be two-sided and mutual, always. Neither of us will have to prove anything. We will be safe, completely. We will come home from work, and we will be happy. We will fall asleep with a warm, content heart, and we will wake up to sunshine every day. We will run on thoughts of us throughout the day, and come home and continue the cycle. Together. We will have a world, and it will be ours. And that will be enough. 

That amazing feeling you get all through out your body when she is in her most innocent and vulnerable state and she’s comfortable with you being there. All you want to do is look at her laying there peacefully with not a single thing worrying her. She’s so beautiful and always keeps you wondering how you got so lucky to be able to call her yours. This girl pulled you in so delicately and wrapped her way around every inch of your heart and now all that’s left to do is take care of hers.

 

i want to be able to come home to the girl i love, or she come home to me. I want to be able to cook dinner for her and in the mornings cook her breakfast in bed. I wanna be able to wake up to her and the first thing that she is gonna hear when she wakes up is “I love you”. I wanna tell her how lovely she is... I wanna be able to play around with her, pick on her, wrestle with her like she is my best friend. I wanna have days where all we do is watch movies, talk about our thoughts, tell each other things that we wouldn't imagine telling anyone else.

I want silence, not the awkward kind, but just enjoying the time i have with her,cuddling,rubbing her back, playing with her hair and kisses on the forehead. i want her to fall asleep in my arms and thinking how cute she looks when she's asleep. When im at work i wanna be excited to come home, to come home to her. And when i'm away from her all i think about is what i wanna do for her, what sweet things i wanna do for her next, what do i wanna do for her to stay with me, for her not to even look at other people. I want to slip cute little notes in her pocket, so when she finds it, it'll make her smile and make her day a little bit better. I want to tell her my feelings for her and make sure that she knows that she is my everything and that she is on my mind everyday. Let her know that she is all i want and no one else...

I can't remember the exact moment when I went from liking her, to loving her.. I don't know if it's while we we're just chatting online, or talking on the phone or the first time we saw each other..

It is more than I ever expected, and the fact that i felt it without pushing for it, is really inspiring.. 

But I do remember when I went from loving her, that undescribeable feeling, heart physically aches, what so many artists sing about, writers scribble about, kind of love. The kind of love that makes me cry and want to watch hopeless romantic movies, or listen to senti songs over and over...

And quite frankly, it shocked me. There was this energy, running through my whole body, that just made me want her, all of her. I couldn't deny it, or hide from it. I let it wash over me. I missed her...

But with it, came the greatest fear I've ever known..

I know she has feelings for me, but I know she haven't made it to that place- that kind of love, yet...

I'm afraid  she won't. I'm afraid she'll be too concerned with not doing the wrong things, that she will end up missing the chance to do the right things... I'm afraid she won't ever take a chance on me...

For me, this is easy. I'm not afraid to lead with my heart. I'm not afraid to show my emotions, to be honest, to be vulnerable. True love deserves that.

This is a risk. I want to take it with her... I just wish she would want to take it with me...




It is a risk to love, 
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does?
   -Peter McWilliams

It's only fair that you know what you are falling in love with...

You're falling in love with my insecurities, with me trying to figure out everything, with my immaturity, my constant need to feel love and appreciated, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy, my hopes and my dreams, how I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, my mood swings, my different opinions..

But you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I'm with you, the way I'll text you in the morning just telling you i hope you have a great day, you're falling in love with the occasionally humorous and or thought provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you, but to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible....

Been out of my usual self lately... Everything is happening so fast, and it's been really hard and confusing.. I'm quite happy though.. I met someone who  change my life in a way, though it's like a roller coaster ride, still I will never trade it for anything.. 

My heart's been preoccupied lately, my brain is kind of spinning.. though it hurts sometimes, I like the way I feel.. I like that finally, I could care about someone, that I think about someone instead of being a prisoner of my own past.. She's a good thing that happen to me, although she doesn't believe that.. She makes me smile, and happy, and excited and laugh, and talk.. a lot.. =)

And though our situation is kind of complicated, I want to be optimistic, and I want to believe that  she and I is possible... I know where I stand, even if she doesn't know where she stand right now, I wanna be there for her, take care of her, support her, I wanna understand her, and get to know her more.. 

I want her to know that, if the time comes that all the people in her world failed her, she can still find me where I stand, waiting for her.. I can't promise her that I will never make her cry.. but I hope she knows that I'm the person who will always stay with her no matter how hard it gets.. 

I hope someday she find the strength to know what she wants.. fight for what she feels.. I hope in the end it will be me who can make her really happy.. but if not, I want her to be happy, and I want her to find some inner peace.. I hate knowing that she's hurting, coz it hurts me too... I just wanna hear her laugh, and I really want her to be happy.. coz I do love her.. even if she doesn't believe it, even if she tells me I don't know what it means.. I do love her in a way I understand what love is.. 

.................... i don't know what else to say.......... i just wanna cry.................

I've been feeling pretty blank this past few days.. It's frustrating  me that I wanna write something but my mind just doesn't want to work.. I feel sick and weak.. I can't think... of anything... nothing.. I feel like I'm high and floating..I don't know... something just doesn't feel right....

It's been raining the whole day, well, we have a typhoon and i have a feeling that it will last about a week or too, and it's freaking cold and my shoulder hurts so bad..

I thought of writing some random things tonight, I just feel like writing but I can't think of any topic to write about so I expect this to be all over the place and kind of rambling but hey, it's going to be honest as it can be...

I had a pretty okay day at work, except for the part that this morning my report and my presentation kind of went rough, I guess i really over used my luck for the fast few days so i run out of it.. but it's okay, I'm good at improvising, so I survived it pretty much..

The other day someone pm me and ask me why don't relationship work for me? I didn't answer it coz first, i just don't answer questions from random people who doesn't even have a decency to introduce themselves...  but since I was writing random things, I figure why not write it here..

Well, (sigh).. it's not that it doesn't work for me, I think   I have gone through it all pretty much...  like, bad timing, one sided love, other obligations outside of our relationship, making it impossible to have a relationship with each other, bad decisions... several different reasons..  I'm still learning life I guess...

And someone must be really paying attention to me here, coz again they ask me how come I was sad for a minute and then I'm happy again..? Well, can't blame them, they must thought i was crazy... lol, maybe I am.. or not.. lol, okay let me try to give a brief explanation,.....  I don’t stay sad. I get sad, for a minute, but it’s pretty easy to shift my focus and distract myself. I’ve mastered the art of shifting my focus - not getting over it. So of course it’s gonna pop up here and there and I’ll let it, for a minute, and then shift my focus. Sadness should never stay... (hope that make sense, coz I really don't have any other way to explain it..)...

Wow, it's funny.. coz lately my inbox is raining of random questions from random people.. I really do wanna answer some of them coz they trigger my mind.. but I guess that's it for now... 

Oh, wait call me stupid but someone did ask me if i want Kayak or Canoe but I really don't have any idea what canoe is? so might probably skip that one.. lol



 

Something I'm feeling at the very moment...


I don't think I give the one up there enough credit for the goodness in my life. Of course I look to HIM when things are down and ask..why me? 


and so I'm working on my attitude... less why me prayers and more thank you prayers.... 

I think I should've been a song or a book.. I feel like I wasn't supposed to exist, though right now i think I'm a little imaginary.. 

Maybe there's a mistake happen that I actually existed, because the truth is I want to be everywhere... all the time and just linger in the air.. I should've been a concept, like a sweet, sad, happy feeling you get when you listen to a ballad song..  or that kind hearted feeling of acceptance when you see the person you love, possibly the person you only love for the rest of your life happy with someone else.. but you smile..


You smile when you think of everyone's happiness.. and the thought of their happiness makes you happier in some way... even though you're sad... 

Most likely, that's the feeling I was meant to be...

Hmmmm...


I'll get back with that thought....

I was on a road trip  the other day..  I was thinking if I should share it, it was awesome and I really had fun.. But I will only share the best part... I got a flat tire and I had to walk and push my motorcycle all the way to  the nearest vulcanizing shop which is 2km far from where my tire got flat.. and did I mention, it was raining.. So it became a wet and dry trip..

The highway have light traffic and I am cruising at about 60-70 km/h. As expected there are some "mad riders" but I stuck on my plan and didn't  waste my time  dealing with them.. 

I went to a beach and sat there while watching the  waves for about two hours.. It feels  incredible.. just watching the water reach the shore..

I've been busy with work and other things.. It's so refreshing doing it again..  To let my soul fly free from paper works, tools, computer,aircraft, seminars and conference.., experiencing raw adventure on the open road, living and driving by the seat of my pants, casting all cares and responsibilities to the wind, and submerging myself in the exhilaration of life. It feels freedom....

I saw  a CD store while I was on the road so I decided to  stop by.. It's   been a  year since i bought my last CD, of "the script".. so i was looking around trying to check out new releases and other artist that i haven't  heard before..  and this is the best part  of my trip, there's this girl who works  on the store, (let's  call  her Ms Smiley, coz she has a smile  to  die for).. well,she approached  me, and usually i get annoyed when  sales lady or anyone working at a store approach me and tells me what to  do and what to buy, coz honestly I just want them to let me be and I'll call them if i found something I want to buy.. (I know i sound like a jerk) but really, it's just how I am..

So anyway, she approached me with a big smile on her face and I was wonderstruck, if there's even a word like that.. =), she said "hey try this" handing me a CD of The Civil Wars.. and usually, I was the person who  would just take the CD and walk away, but damn, there was really something hypnotic about her smile, so i smiled back and talk to her and ask  her to let me hear the CD,so she did.. She was being  so nice, and then i found out that her shift is about to end, i didn't  know what I was thinking but I offered her a ride, it just came  out and I was so embarrassed  but then my ear couldn't  believe that she said yes that I have to ask  her again to repeat what she said... 

So then, I gave her a ride home and we exchange numbers..  i thought that was the last time that I will hear from her coz honestly,  I know I'm  not gonna text or call her,  that's how shy I  am..

But then yesterday,  i got a text  from   her, so I called her..  and I really couldn't  stop laughing and smiling.. She's sweet and awesome... I don't  know if there's really something there..  i was  hoping there is.. 

Nonetheless. it was the most amazing road trip I ever had lately...

It’s like ‘playing with fire’ or ‘flirting with disaster’ in a way. It’s thinking you will only go so far, and that’s it. But if you do cross that line, only to realize it was never a line at all…. then how do you stop yourself after that? People are generally good at heart. But we all have faults. We all toy with things we shouldn’t.  The unknown. Or maybe it isn’t always the unknown. — Sometimes its what we think we want. it’s feeling-driven. It’s dangerous...

I don't like the weather today, it's really hot and I feel like I'm going to have a heatstroke... It makes me feel  weak  and I think   I'm gonna get sick..

This past few weeks,my  mom and my step dad has been constantly fighting.. I don't get it,  I'm not mad or anything, I mean they're both grown ups,  they know what they're doing, and I'm  wise enough to not make myself be affected by it.. I just don't understand, especially my mom.. My step dad has been constantly cheating on her, he only works for  himself that's why I just decided to take over the responsibility to be the provider of the family.. I've seen my mom cry all   the time.. For the past years, I've been asking her to leave him,  I told her that I can take  care of her and my two brothers, I just want her to leave him.. but she can't, she don't want to.. she loves him so much that she's willing to swallow everything.. and it makes  me  sad.. I mean,I'm a woman too, why would I choose to stay in a relationship that emotionally abused me, it doesn't make sense and I  know she's better than that, I feel sorry for  my brothers and i hope when they grow up, they won't be like their dad..

Straight or not  straight relationship, they're all the same for me, i don't  want to be a part of something where I am going to lose myself, it's  not worth it.. Relationship supposed to make you grow as a person, it supposed to make you feel safe and secure that  no matter what happen  you have someone you can trust and you can depend on and always have your back.... it supposed to  make you  feel  loved and not  insecure.. it supposed to make you smile  or  laugh, and cry not because of sadness but because of joy..

It was just my  opinion though..

I  don't know, maybe there are really a lot of of people in the world and no one ever sees everything the same way I do. I guess it just doesn't happen. So maybe  when I find one person who gets a couple of things, especially if they mean so  much... I might as well hold on to them....
 

This is  the reason why I really need a remote control specifically for  the brain.. i  have a million  thoughts and I can't catch a break.. 

I was so down  these past few weeks, 3 of my friends left  me.. 2 here on EP w/o a fair warning.. and 1 outside EP.. she did say goodbye..  but still... it hurts the same way.. 

That's the thing about closing a chapter in our lives.  Its tough. Its one of those bitter-sweet things about life... having the memories, but not being able to go back to them. And when we try, they're never as good as they were the first time.

I’ve gone through this before and that’s why I don’t get why this is so hard for me to deal with. It’s the simple fact that they're gone. Maybe, it’s so hard because for a while there they made me feel like they did care, maybe that’s the difference..

I'm not a perfect  friend.. I  make mistakes  too and sometimes i  have a lot of shortcomings.. but honestly, I'm the  kind of friend who will never leave you  no matter what.. and if  i have to leave, I'll take you with me.. maybe not  physically.. but you will always  be in my heart..   and as much as  possible I will try to make an  effort to keep our friendship healthy..

I may not be the kind of  friend who can help you  with everything or who can make things better, but I'm a good listener.. and i will help  you cry  if that's the only  thing you want to do at  the moment.. 

Friends don't abandon friends..... in my opinion...

Been kind of busy lately.. loads of work and dealing with some personal  issues...  I guess it's always going to be a part of my everyday existence... and confusion also.. There''s some things I'll never understand. I'll never understand the goosebumps I  get when first stepping into cold water... I'll never understand the dreams i have with strangers in them, people i'll never met or seen... I'll  never understand why someone can keep  going back to what hurt them. but what I  do understand is that once we understand everything the world loses it's shine, .. Curiosity killed the cat, but the cat had nine lives...

It's the thoughts in  my head that keeps  bothering me.. they're like voices that keeps shouting "paper and pen" or in my case "keyboard and EP".. I find calmness in writing how I feel and everything that goes in my mind.. It takes away my  stress and helps me remember to breathe..

I have this person in my life that I'm  really  fond of, and happy to be with.. she's a  rare breed.. matter of fact, she's an  endangered species.. Her hearts been broken, and just like mine it remains in pieces. But every time we're near each other smile is all  we can  do...  and our shattered souls intertwine.. I find comfort in her grasp and I really wish  my heart could reach with both arms... instead, it wishes something else.. 

And this is the part I  am so terrified with my heart... It keeps wanting  the only thing it can never have..  I hate this kind of feeling because it makes me lonely and miserable  and i  don't want to be that person, but sometimes when I'm lying in bed at night, I really miss her.. Not the ordinary I miss you type thing where i  wish she was here with me.. but the type of miss that feels like a part of me is missing . As if it's gone and I need it back.. That's the type of miss I  feel.. It's not an I want you  with me, it's an i need you with me..

It's so frustrating to want something so badly and not get it in the end. It starts out as a small  feeling, something I'm almost embarrassed to  admit I want.. Then as time passes, I think of how my life could be better if I just had that one thing,  whatever it is I'm looking for.. Then I realize how much of myself I've invested into that dream or idea or a person.. And then comes the hardest part.. the disappointment..  the always wanting, but never getting...

I remember that time when she asked me what's  on my mind.. I told her I  wish she doesn't  have to leave.. but going to back  to that moment I wish I should've told her, that I wish i was  her favorite person, I  wish my  smile was her favorite kind of smile...I wish she couldn't figure me out but always wanna know what I  was about.. I  wish she'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.. Basically, I wish that she loved me, I wish that without  me she'd be spending the rest  of  her night awake.. 

But then again they  are  just thoughts, it only happens  when my heart speaks...  

To every [thing there is] a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. Ecc. 3:1


When I was a child  I believed that life would be simple once I grew up.. I would get married and have children and be happy forever.. I never realized that life would always have ups and downs, as long as we're breathing.. I didn't understand then that there's a need for me to be able to adjust to changes.. I've always been sensitive and scared of changes no matter how small it is..

Life changes sometimes happen everyday. Sometimes not very often. Some are big,  some are small, but all can appear overwhelming at the time..

Sometimes friends leave, some do come back, others won't even leave a trace..

Some life changes are as small as a boring, stormy day. Some are as large as a hurricane that destroys your house..

Small like having a silly fights with your love ones, large as a dark hollow loneliness of having no one needing you or wanting you at all...

I've been struggling with too many changes in my life.. I'm trying to be strong..  and as much as possible be happy and alright with everything.. I don't wanna question HIM coz as far as I remember, HE never gave me anything I  couldn't handle.. And every time I bend and break and chose to stand to get back in the race, there's one more small piece of me  that starts to fall into place...

I don't know if everyone also experience changes everyday, but it is important for us to accept that even the smallest things can appear gigantic and overwhelming simply because we're only human...